Love is Love

I was incredibly nervous.  It almost turned into a panic attack.  Then I got stuck in traffic that added to the stress.  I couldn’t be late.  This is way too important.

What’s all the fuss??  Well, I was on my way to a very important wedding.  Two of my dearest friends (that are more like siblings) were getting married.  And why was I so nervous.  Well… that’s the thing.  It was to be my first gay wedding also know as know as a wedding.

I was so nervous.  What would it be like?  Who would be there?  Would it be awkward?  Would they kiss?  Would they say husband and husband?  Would there be picketers and demonstrators?  Don’t laugh.  I really wasn’t sure what to expect.

So I arrive and the wedding was delayed.  WHAT!!!  A gay man can’t be on time?  I mean they had no make up to apply, no hair to up-do.  What could possibly be the issue?   Well I’m glad because I was about 5 minutes late and I didn’t want to miss one second of this.

I take my seat at a beautiful outdoor venue.  It was exquisite.  Surely a 10 out of 10.  It was perfect.  Then it happened.

I wasn’t prepared for the emotion that might overcome me…and it did.  I took inventory of all who where there.  I knew about 5 or 6 people at best.  Specifically ALL of one of the grooms family was there and seated.  I could see some awkward tension but I expected that I guess.  One of the grooms family is a very active Mormon family.  I didn’t expect them to be so “together.”  It was magical.  I teared up.  I knew how much this meant to the grooms.

So I got myself together.  The time came for the grooms to walk down the aisle.  They came in together escorted by one of the grooms sisters.  We all rose to greet them in good wedding tradition. Classy.  It was soooo classy.

The officiant began the ceremony by explaining what marriage means.  I’ve heard it 100 times or more, but this time it was different,  not the actual words, but my interpretation of the words.  She had the grooms face each other and speak their vows.  It was then my allergies must have gotten the best of me and my eyes could not stop dripping water.  OK, I think I cried real good.  I was overcome with emotion.  These two men were now legally and lovingly married to each other.  And they sealed their vows with a kiss.  We applauded and rose to our feet as they walked the aisle hand in hand to begin a family and life as a normal wedded couple.

So why was I so worried?  So nervous?  So anxious?  I have no Idea.  It was exactly as any other wedding that I had ever been to.  It was family, friends and food.  What more could you ask for?

I conclude this post with an observation.  I believe that I was so anxious because of my militant, right-winged, religious upbringing.  I also took notice that the Mormon family were in full support.  They made that clear.  They were kind and celebratory.  I believe that regarding the Church in general,  The “Prophets” (upper leadership) are holding firm to their interpretation of marriage.  The “Pastor” (local leadership) is trying to honor the upper leadership while not alienating The “Pew” (congregation).  Reality is, that it is the Pew that will make or break this awakening and acceptance of the non-traditional family.  Its easy to hold firm to a Church and its belief structure until its YOUR KID.

Christian parents are arising and saying… ENOUGH.  My child is a part of this family just like any other.  You cannot and will not dictate from your golden steeples and cathedrals how families will function. You cannot and will not dictate how we will love and accept our loved ones.

Congratulations to Jeff and Jarod.  I was so honored to witness the beginning of your amazing family.

 

I need to share this.

This is not my writing. I found this on the Internet. 

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/04/06/to-the-loved-ones-whove-gone-silent/

 

Wins + Losses = Sum Total

Today I am writing this post to remain true to my blog. From time to time I have waiverd from my intent as evidenced by some random posts. 

The intent of this blog is to journal my personal journey of coming out of the closet as gay later in life due to a militant, radical, Christian belief structure. Today is a post that I trust will help another closeted Christian person to accept their authentic self and embrace reality even when others around them cannot or will not. Usually it is the latter. 

There is a cost. A price of admission per se. Sometimes the cost seems to outweigh the reward. There will be losses and wins.  My life is the sum total of my losses and wins. Not that my wins are greater than my losses or my losses greater than my wins. The individual numbers are irrelevant. It’s the sum total of it all. It’s like discovering that both the right wing AND the left wing if an aircraft are equally important. Just ask any aircraft operator. 

I will soon celebrate 3 years of going public with my news of being gay. It still feels like it was today. The fear. The shame. The stress. The depression. The hiding. The deception and the suicide planning finally came to an end. But the story just began.  

Today I’m still struggling. As is expected on holidays. Easter is especially difficult as it is a super religious holiday.  Religion and church has become intentionally irrelevant in my current life. The reasons are multiple. Mostly because the “church” has abused and rejected those that disagree with their belief structure using the bible as a weapon and launching cannons from their light house. Not because they must, but because they choose to. 

My family structure is damaged to say the least because of religious interpretation of the Bible. An interpretation that I used to subscribe to emphatically. 

I am an abomination and have chosen to be gay is their belief structure that I have to contend with. Some have even suggested that I “may” have been born gay, but the sin and abomination comes when I “practice or participate in MY lifestyle.” 

There is no reasoning with that. “The Bible Clearly Says…” Is all I’ll ever hear.  Another reason that I have no place for “Christianity” in my current life situation. My personal view is that religion is exclusive and divissie. It causes wars and discord in humanity throughout the world. To Christianity and religion, I say a big NO THANKS. 

It’s not my issue. It is their issue, but the abandonment and disregard has caused irreparable damage to our family unit. There are no family get togethers. My life has forever changed in that aspect. As we all age, I am confident that there will be family life events that I am excluded from. As if that will somehow make me less gay. Ignore him and it doesn’t exist appears to be the approach. That is just one of the costs of being authentic. 

I am grateful that my life of love and acceptance with my former wife and two daughters is healthy and in tact. There is likely no greater gift that I can ask for.  

My daughters are very aware of who I am as their father. Our immediate family experience has allowed us to love each other and those around us more than we ever have. We accept and embrace each other just as we are. Just as we were created to be.  

To those struggling with coming out. I say to you. You are not alone. You are ok just as you are. It does get better.