Wins + Losses = Sum Total

05 Apr

Today I am writing this post to remain true to my blog. From time to time I have waiverd from my intent as evidenced by some random posts. 

The intent of this blog is to journal my personal journey of coming out of the closet as gay later in life due to a militant, radical, Christian belief structure. Today is a post that I trust will help another closeted Christian person to accept their authentic self and embrace reality even when others around them cannot or will not. Usually it is the latter. 

There is a cost. A price of admission per se. Sometimes the cost seems to outweigh the reward. There will be losses and wins.  My life is the sum total of my losses and wins. Not that my wins are greater than my losses or my losses greater than my wins. The individual numbers are irrelevant. It’s the sum total of it all. It’s like discovering that both the right wing AND the left wing if an aircraft are equally important. Just ask any aircraft operator. 

I will soon celebrate 3 years of going public with my news of being gay. It still feels like it was today. The fear. The shame. The stress. The depression. The hiding. The deception and the suicide planning finally came to an end. But the story just began.  

Today I’m still struggling. As is expected on holidays. Easter is especially difficult as it is a super religious holiday.  Religion and church has become intentionally irrelevant in my current life. The reasons are multiple. Mostly because the “church” has abused and rejected those that disagree with their belief structure using the bible as a weapon and launching cannons from their light house. Not because they must, but because they choose to. 

My family structure is damaged to say the least because of religious interpretation of the Bible. An interpretation that I used to subscribe to emphatically. 

I am an abomination and have chosen to be gay is their belief structure that I have to contend with. Some have even suggested that I “may” have been born gay, but the sin and abomination comes when I “practice or participate in MY lifestyle.” 

There is no reasoning with that. “The Bible Clearly Says…” Is all I’ll ever hear.  Another reason that I have no place for “Christianity” in my current life situation. My personal view is that religion is exclusive and divissie. It causes wars and discord in humanity throughout the world. To Christianity and religion, I say a big NO THANKS. 

It’s not my issue. It is their issue, but the abandonment and disregard has caused irreparable damage to our family unit. There are no family get togethers. My life has forever changed in that aspect. As we all age, I am confident that there will be family life events that I am excluded from. As if that will somehow make me less gay. Ignore him and it doesn’t exist appears to be the approach. That is just one of the costs of being authentic. 

I am grateful that my life of love and acceptance with my former wife and two daughters is healthy and in tact. There is likely no greater gift that I can ask for.  

My daughters are very aware of who I am as their father. Our immediate family experience has allowed us to love each other and those around us more than we ever have. We accept and embrace each other just as we are. Just as we were created to be.  

To those struggling with coming out. I say to you. You are not alone. You are ok just as you are. It does get better. 

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Posted by on April 5, 2015 in Journey to Authenticity


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