Today I am being selfish. For all of my life, fathers day has been about my father and my grandfathers. Even after I became a father 10 years ago, I accepted no praise or honor for being a father. It was even uncomfortable to hear others wish me a “happy fathers day.” I guess it has been said that we only accept the love and appreciation that we believe that we deserve. I did not feel deserving, in fact… I sort of felt guilty for being a father because I always knew that I was gay …and gay people surely cannot be GOOD or GOOD ENOUGH parents right? Well enough of that!
I may not be perfect, but I’m a damn good dad. Just ask my girls who are now 7 1/2 and 10 1/2 respectively. Today I choose not to belittle myself and believe that I am undeserving of a day of celebration. I earned this and I deserve to be treated with a little kindness and admiration today. Unlike the letter that I received from someone telling me what an unkind, selfish, mean, nasty, hateful wretch that I am, but proceeded to declare that they were “all about family.”
I guess we attempt to portray onto others what we truly think or believe about ourselves. I tore the letter into hundreds of pieces and trashed it. I didn’t even share it with the other person that was attacked in the writing. It will never be read again nor given any credibility. It was total bull poops. 100% chicken poo. Believing anything in that letter would be like going to a bankrupt, drunk bum on the corner and asking him for financial advice right? It’s a ridiculous premise at best.
So today I worked on a project with my daughters because that’s how we communicate best. It’s a great time of bonding and teaching about life in general. My two girls will surely know how to caulk and paint anything when we are done. Yeah Ba-by! Das what I’m talkin’ ’bout now.
We talked about why we don’t “hang-out” with our family any longer. Oh, Now that’s a tough one. To be honest I don’t know the real answer to that ladies. “Is it because you’re gay dad?” I’m not sure ladies…the reason keeps changing as the months go on. “Then why?” Well daddy got a letter today giving multiple reasons why, but It really came down to the fact that daddy wasn’t always the best brother and son when he was trying so hard to not be gay… daddy was living a real big fat lie. “Well no one is perfect dad.” I know that ladies but the person who wrote it thinks that they are. “But’s that’s not Christian daddy!” I know ladies, which is why we no longer identify with Christians. “Well what are we?” We are humans who believe that God is Love and therefore we will love. We are God’s children. “Even the people who don’t love us?” Yes ladies. But we don’t have to allow those who are unkind to be in our life. So we just agreed to not give it credibility by “talking” about it anymore.
From this point forward, you will never hear me speak of parents or siblings. I have none. I will never measure up or be good enough. I will never be “straight” enough. I will never be right enough. I will never be forgiven enough. I will never be honest enough. I will never be worthy enough. I will never be kind enough. I will never be “man” enough. I will never be “christian” enough. I will never be ANYTHING enough… So moving right along.. We choose to connect with and speak of the people in our lives that have become chosen family. Those that believe that we are “enough.” Just like God does. It makes for a much more peaceful life.
So Happy Fathers Day to all of our Chosen Family. I’d like to keep chatting, but I have to finish that project with my girls and be the dad that I know that I am. I. AM. DAD. ENOUGH!!!
Why Am I Gay? 