In my last post, I stated that I was leaving my blog. I needed to move forward and begin a new chapter. I believed that abandoning my blog was the solution to finding a new road to travel. I have been through so many changes since publicly stepping into my authentic self as a gay man in May of 2012. Divorce, loss of family, friends and leaving my christian lifestyle had taken it’s toll on me. I was now in a relationship with a man that I intended to marry. I was rounding the corner to a life of love and fulfillment that until now, had only existed in my dreams. It felt good to feel good. I didn’t feel like I needed to continue to question why I’m gay. I was feeling pretty confident in my skin.
Well I have heard it said, that life is what happens when you are making plans. So life happened. The wedding did not happen and the relationship ended. I won’t use the word devastated, because I believe that words are powerful and I am very particular about saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I was not devastated with the break-up, but I was definitely caught off-guard. I’m bummed, confused and sad. Without this blog, I did not have a place to tell my secrets, my hurt and my lack of understanding what was going on. I did not have a cathartic outlet to do a “brain dump.” I quickly learned that I best express my feelings through written text. Specifically this blog. So I am returning to my voice. I am returning to my expression. I am returning to me.
I find myself in a very disrupted disposition right now. I can barely think a clear thought. My anxiety is high and my A. D. D. is in full disorder. It’s a combination of hurt, anger, frustration and sadness. I feel physically ill and disconnected. In fact, its all that I can do to refrain from bursting into tears at this very minute. I’m holding back because I don’t want my kids in the next room to share in my brokenness. I don’t hide much from my girls, but I try not to burden them with things that they have no responsibility for and things that they cannot fix. So for now I hold it together.
Today I was reminded that my world forever changed when a rich, white, heterosexual, un-christian man was elected largely by Christians to be the 45th President of the United States. Sadly his supporters happen to be those that have proved over and over again to be the self-serving, unkind, inconsistent and hurtful people. I know, because I used to be one those people. I believed that my God and my political party were a reflection of each other and if you chose another god or party, then oh well… You suffered the consequences of your choices. We all know that Jesus was white and republican…right?
Some of these people happen to be friends, family and people that I care very much about. It seems to not matter to them that people like me are hurting, afraid and in general, tentative about our place as gay people in this United States of America. In fact these people that I care for are already doubling down and making plans to cast their ballot again for this same un-christian, verbally abusive, child-like, adulterous, gambling, cut-throat, cheating, lying person to represent their “christian values.” It cuts me to my core and hurts my heart that their concern for humanity has taken a back seat to profits, patriotism, privilege and Pietism.
I am sad not only for myself but for my daughter who is also gay. She is now surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and extend family who did not stand up for her or others who happen to be different. Who do not have her back. We wake up every day and journey into a world that is still straight, christian-only and masculine. Religion and political party, have been chosen over people and humanity. But I have resolved in my being that I will never be able to change their perspective in my lifetime. I feel like being complicit is what they have come to be. It cuts deep.
I don’t want to win, I want us all to make it. Unfortunately we live in an America that has forced us to take sides. There are winners and losers. We are divided and our president is incessant with his choice to foster and incite this climate while the evangelical community praises his “tell it like it is” approach. We will stand our ground on ignorance alone to be declared the winner. We’ve lost the art of understanding, respect and the willingness move to the center. We are right-fighters. We don’t listen to hear, we simply listen return an answer. We want power. We want privilege. We want what we want. We want America to be solely christian and we are willing to do what we have to do in the name of God. Because when we do it in the name of God, then it must be right. We want to force every one of you to comply with what we believe is truth, moral and Good. Damned be the rest of you.
I’m listening, I’m pliable, I’m willing. Maybe that once-failed, untimely, insensitive intervention attempt would yield some understanding. I want to understand and to be understood. I want to respect and to be respected.