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Yes… I’m being selfish

16 Jun

Today I am being selfish.  For all of my life, fathers day has been about my father and my grandfathers.  Even after I became a father 10 years ago, I accepted no praise or honor for being a father.  It was even uncomfortable to hear others wish me a “happy fathers day.”   I guess it has been said that we only accept the love and appreciation that we believe that we deserve.  I did not feel deserving, in fact…  I sort of felt guilty for being a father because I always knew that I was gay  …and gay people surely cannot be GOOD or GOOD ENOUGH parents right?   Well enough of that!

I may not be perfect, but I’m a damn good dad.  Just ask my girls who are now 7 1/2 and 10 1/2 respectively.  Today I choose not to belittle myself and believe that I am undeserving of a day of celebration.  I earned this and I deserve to be treated with a little kindness and admiration today.  Unlike the letter that I received from someone telling me what an unkind, selfish, mean, nasty, hateful wretch that I am, but proceeded to declare that they were “all about family.”

I guess we attempt to portray onto others what we truly think or believe about ourselves.  I tore the letter into hundreds of pieces and trashed it.  I didn’t even share it with the other person that was attacked in the writing.  It will never be read again nor given any credibility.  It was total bull poops.  100% chicken poo.  Believing anything in that letter would be like going to a bankrupt, drunk bum on the corner and asking him for financial advice right? It’s a ridiculous premise at best.

So today I worked on a project with my daughters because that’s how we communicate best.  It’s a great time of bonding and teaching about life in general.  My two girls will surely know how to caulk and paint anything when we are done.  Yeah Ba-by!  Das what I’m talkin’ ’bout now.

We talked about why we don’t “hang-out” with our family any longer.  Oh, Now that’s a tough one.  To be honest I don’t know the real answer to that ladies.  “Is it because you’re gay dad?”  I’m not sure ladies…the reason keeps changing as the months go on.  “Then why?”  Well daddy got a letter today giving multiple reasons why, but It really came down to the fact that daddy wasn’t always the best brother and son when he was trying so hard to not be gay… daddy was living a real big fat lie.  “Well no one is perfect dad.”  I know that ladies but the person who wrote it thinks that they are.  “But’s that’s not Christian daddy!”  I know ladies, which is why we no longer identify with Christians.  “Well what are we?”  We are humans who believe that God is Love and therefore we will love.  We are God’s children.  “Even the people who don’t love us?”  Yes ladies.  But we don’t have to allow those who are unkind to be in our life.  So we just agreed to not give it credibility by “talking” about it anymore.

From this point forward, you will never hear me speak of parents or siblings.  I have none.  I will never measure up or be good enough.  I will never be “straight” enough.  I will never be right enough.  I will never be forgiven enough.  I will never be honest enough.  I will never be worthy enough.  I will never be kind enough.  I will never be “man” enough.  I will never be “christian” enough.  I will never be ANYTHING enough…  So moving right along..  We choose to connect with and speak of the people in our lives that have become chosen family.  Those that believe that we are “enough.”  Just like God does.   It makes for a much more peaceful life.

So Happy Fathers Day to all of our Chosen Family.  I’d like to keep chatting, but I have to finish that project with my girls and be the dad that I know that I am.  I.   AM.   DAD.   ENOUGH!!! 

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15 Comments

Posted by on June 16, 2013 in Journey to Authenticity

 

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15 responses to “Yes… I’m being selfish

  1. Vicki Marcotte Rogers

    June 16, 2013 at 2:24 PM

    You are my brother in Christ. Blood does not a family make. It is love that creates and bonds a family for life!

     
  2. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 2:27 PM

    Vicki, You have always been a sister to me. I love you! Muah!

     
  3. Judi

    June 16, 2013 at 2:40 PM

    Love You Brother Chet. In all the years that I have known you ….You have always offered a helping hand to anyone that asks…you have always had a listening ear… You have ALWAYS been there for me… Thank You. I truly love you like a brother… BTW. You are and always will be an AWESOME Dad. Lu

     
  4. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 3:00 PM

    Thanks for acknowledging that Judi. You have always loved me.

     
  5. tiffanynpierce

    June 16, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    Happy Fathers Day, Chet! Enjoy your day!

     
  6. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 3:19 PM

    Thanks Tiff. Love you guys.

     
  7. Cheryl Milazzo

    June 16, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    Happy Father’s Day cousin!! Hope you had a blessed day with your family!! Love you guys!!

     
  8. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 4:47 PM

    I love you boo. Tell your ma how much I love her.

     
  9. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    Thanks my sweet sista

     
  10. Tia P

    June 16, 2013 at 6:14 PM

    That is so heartbreaking, and believe me when I say, when they have to answer to their FATHER in Heaven, is won’t be pretty. You are still loved by GOD the Father, Jesus the son, and of course the Holy Spirit. Fear and pride is what motivates someone to write such a “selfish” letter on a special day like today. (I know, because when my daughter told me she wanted to practice Paganism, I felt that same fear. Fear is of the enemy, and God promised me when she was little that she is and always will be his child. So I am not afraid of what she represents. I am more afraid of God if I don’t show her his love, no matter what.) I’m guessing it’s fear that God will blame them for how “you” turned out that motivates them. I know how much it must hurt, but you can rise above it. God still has plan for you my friend. I’m trying really hard to keep my hands from typing what my tongue REALLY wants to say. I know I am not perfect in any way shape or form, but that is the beauty of it, I DON’T HAVE TO BE, and neither do my kids. Just like me, when they come full circle they will remember the truth and know who they are in Christ Jesus. I knew God created that great smile of yours and those twinkly eyes when you smile, not to fake happiness, but to experience his joy and let it show all over your face. Love and hugs :]

     
  11. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 6:46 PM

    Thanks love. Hugs. I’m ok.

     
  12. shauna white

    June 16, 2013 at 9:15 PM

    Family are the people who love you no matter what…they don’t necessarily have to be your blood relation…cuz sometime they cray cray and ain’t nobody got time for them!! 🙂

     
  13. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 9:36 PM

    Love yoy girl

     
  14. Julie

    June 16, 2013 at 10:00 PM

    I don’t understand these people….your family. I may not agree with everything you post or blog…but I still love you and Christa and the girls. Doesn’t the word “Christian” mean “Christ-follower”? Doesn’t following Christ mean that you love people right where they are, whether you agree with their actions or not? I does make me sad that you don’t feel you can identify with Christians. Perhaps we could add “so-called” to “Christians”….? Hugs to you all . I’m so glad you took control of your day and made it what it should be….time with the girls, being their Dad…

     
  15. Why Am I Gay?

    June 16, 2013 at 10:26 PM

    I think.that they are doing the best with what they have. But making a decision without knowledge is silly

     

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