Happy New Year? What in the world? I know right… “lemme ‘splain ya”
This month marks one year that I made a conscious choice to make public that I am in fact a gay Christian. For all of my life I have fought and battled with being gay. I was baptized Catholic and converted to being Pentecostal around the age of 11. Speaking in tongues, lifting hands, casting out demons and spirits… I was even told by many that being gay was a spirit of darkness sent by the devil himself. You see… being gay was in no way, shape or form accepted, affirmed or tolerated in my world. I believed that I had somehow failed my God and that I was being punished. Punished from what? Hell, I don’t know… That was part of my disconnect. I could not for the life of me figure out what I had done so wrong that this God of the universe hated me so much that he would torment me with such guilt, shame, depression, constant thoughts of suicide and anger.
I did all that I knew to do to make the gay go away, I tried to sleep it away, pray it away, become a minister it away, marry it away, have children it away… you get the picture. Amidst all my tryings and longing to be “set free” from this alleged sin, the desire grew stronger and stronger. “It” was not going away.
The rest of my story is told throughout this blog. Take some time to read previous blogs and please, please, please share it with others. The good the bad and the ugly. I’d like to report that “all is well” and that everything worked out OK. While I will not discredit the good that has come from my journey, the not so good is ever-present.
Most of my former friends are no more they left the building. I did not say all… I said most. My immediate family which includes my two daughters and my former wife is being strengthened every day. I am more connected to my daughters than I have ever dreamed of. They are both aware that their dad is gay and have not skipped a beat when it comes to love and affection. My former wife deserves a medal of honor for the way that she chose to navigate with me and my daughters even when she had a “right” to behave and act differently. I know that when my day is bad… really bad, that somehow Christa will see the good in me and encourage me to keep going. I pray often for her future husband and step-father to my daughters. She is the best friend that I never had.
The relationship with my siblings and parents… this will get me into trouble… I have no relationship with my siblings and that causes my relationship with my parents to be awkward at best. In full disclosure, some would claim that my broken relationship has nothing to do with me being gay, but there is no other source of the discord. I confessed and owned in a previous blog, in person and in private letters that I was not always the best brother and son because I was hiding a big fat secret and I was so afraid that I would be found out. A secret that was destroying me and those closest to me. I somehow wish there was something that I could do to magically make this situation better. The truth be know, it will never be better as long as religion is a factor. I did not say God… I said religion… let me make that clearer… this will not get better as long as a denomination is involved. God is God… Denominations are divisive. I never realized how judgemental, unkind and ungodly I was until I left the god of the “church/denomination” and embraced the God of the universe, God the creator, the God of Love and Peace.
So after one year of being “out,” I am at a place where I am ok being gay. I am ok being a gay dad, a gay christian a gay brother, a gay son, a gay friend and any other gay that you can fill in the blank with. I no longer believe that God hates me. As a matter of fact, I believe that He loves me more today that I have accepted that it is HE who allowed me to be gay. While I no longer attend “church” I do not have ill feelings or thoughts against those who do. I am not yet in a place where I can embrace how a person or christian may respond to me or my daughters if they found out that I was gay. I’m just not ready to sit in the pew again and be told who God is and how I should worship Him. These are things that we must seek God directly for. Never again will you hear me say “the Bible says” until I am certain by my own research and seeking.
Since this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to, I will share this “revelation” of sorts that I shared with a great christian friend of mine. If homosexuality was so forbidden, so sinful, so awful so important, so conflicting, so ungodly… then why is it that JESUS HIMSELF never spoke a word about it? Slow down and think about it. Breath and ask questions… allow yourself to think and process… He said not one word about it. He remained silent on the topic. Let me say that more clearly… He kept his mouth shut. He spoke often about loving others, accepting others, he ate with sinners, loved the unlovable… but NEVER spoke a jot or tiddle about homosexuality. Never did he “heal” someone from this awful “disease.” Then why do his followers choose this mountain to stand on and scream “but the Bible Says….” Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give resources to the poor, but not once did he say ‘Heal the homo’s” or “shun the sissies or “lash out at the lesbo’s” think about it. He did not say for God so loved the Heterosexuals that He gave… He said that God loved the WORLD… Humanity, Mankind.
And if you don’t believe in God… Then I respect and love you nonetheless.
Now go love your neighbor!