I’ve entered a new phase of “coming out.”
Ummm… Chet, I thought that you “came out” over three years ago? Yes. Yes I did, but in a predominately “straight” society, coming out is almost daily for a man my age.
When I mention that I have children, I usually have to “come out.” When I mention my former wife, I have to “come out.” Again and again and again. Can you imagine having to “come out” as straight almost daily? I gets exhausting.
Because of the nature of my career, I meet new people every day. I meet with families and individuals on a very personal, intimate and emotional level. It is very difficult to NOT get personal. Discussions of death and dying make it difficult to be stoic and strictly professional. Not to mention I’m super bad at a poker face. I’m built to hurt when people hurt and cry when people cry. I wear it as a badge of honor.
This week while meeting with my therapist, we began to process why I have been feeling deeply depressed with thoughts of suicide, lonely, lethargic and extremely apathetic.
After going through several painful scenarios, we arrived at a probable explaination. An explaination that is difficult to say and difficult to process. But I promised myself that I would be transparent and honest through this journey of self-acceptance. If for no one else but me.
IM DEFECTIVE! Thats it. I’m effing DEFECTIVE. I cannot remember a time in my life where I haven’t felt defective. I felt it in kindergarten, I felt it in elementary, junior high and high school. I felt it deeply in college and I felt it through my marriage and I feel it now. I feel like somewhere in the creation of Chet, something went terribly wrong. I’m defective. I’m gay. I pulled the short straw.
Why Chet, why do you feel defective? Why do you feel less-than. Why do you feel like you don’t belong? I’m glad that you asked. Let me tell you.
Unless you have been under a rock on the moon, you may have noticed in the news the outright attack on me and the gay community by many people. I’d be unnecessarily dishonest to pretend that it doesn’t affect how I feel about myself. Especially while its perpetrated by the very sect who themselves claim to be defective albeit “forgiven.” Which I guess gives them the right and authority to piss on the defective that don’t subscribe to their need to be forgiven. What a bunch of condescending pricks. Yes… I went there. I’m angry damnit. My therapist said that its time for me to get angry so that I can push past the guit and shame if being me.
And no I’m not lumping Everyone together. But if the shoe fits… If you, for one second believe that Kim Davis of Kentucky is justified in her abuse of power toward my gay family, then YOU are a perpetrator of labeling people defective. You are the problem.
I constantly feel like if I somehow weren’t gay that I would still have my marriage and intact family that I’m so proud of. There would be no need to sort through our belongings and decide who gets what. There would be no need to take the wedding pictures down and put the wedding photo album away. There would be no need to move into separate homes. There would be no need to sleep alone in an apartment when I could be sleeping down the hall from my children. But I was born. And I’m defective. I’m not whole. I’m not a full human. If only… If only I were born straight and privileged. This chaos is all my fault.
I peruse the Facebook postings of family and friends. I read the mocking picture-grams. I read the posts about standing up to and fighting aganst the gays. It’s an all out war against “those people” the defective ones.
Don’t tell me that you love me but you don’t agree with my “lifestyle.” You have just communicated to me that I am irreversably defective. Oh Yes You Did… That’s exactly what you say every time that you refer to my being as sinful. That’s exactly what you say when you compare my being to that of a murderer, filanderer, theif, rapist or pedophile and all the other “feelings” and desires that you may have been born with.
I see the posts about how being gay is a choice and being gay is wrong and being gay makes one defective. Unfortunately there is no money back guarantee. Not return policy. No manufacturer limited lifetime warranty. I just have to suffer through my defectiveness while the rest of the world gets a pass? I don’t think so!
So that is my next phase of “coming out.” I will work diligently to reject that I am defective. I will permanently eradicate from my life people and organizations of people and books… (Yes even “holy” books) that refer to me as defective.
It’s not something that I can unlearn overnight after a life of religious legalism, brainwashing, dogmatism and fundamentalism. It will take some time and thought restructuring to fully achieve.