Today is just one of those days when I just need to write. It will likely just be rambling all over the place. I have no idea how this will turn out.
I read a this quote the other day.
Tonight after attending a class, I was driving home. While I’ve been living in my apartment since March, I still find myself almost turning into the neighborhood where I used to live. The place I have lived for almost 10 years with my “three girls.”
My new place is just 2/10’s of a mile away from my former home but it may just as well be 10,000 miles away. I feel very far away. Ya see… This new home is a one bedroom apartment. And as I write this, I now know why I chose it.
I didn’t want too much space because it is void of the life that I once had. It is void of my daughters. It is void of my wife. It is void of what I thought my life would be at age 46.
Being alone is simply not for me. I’m wired to have a companion. I miss my friendship and relationship with my wife and children. I’m soooooo sick of driving past my house and coming home alone to an apartment that is void of companionship. It is void of who I thought that I would be at this time in my life. I had plans.
I miss sleeping knowing that my kids are just a room away and thst if they have a bad dream or get restless, that they can come climb in bed with Christa and me. I miss touching Christa when we go to bed and telling her how much I love her. I miss getting up every day as a family and getting the kids off to school even if there is some yelling, crying and frustration. I’m not built to be alone.
So I drive past where my sweet Christa and Casslyn and Carly are fast asleep and I come home to an empty apartment that is not my home and I scream at the top of my lungs… “I don’t know how much longer that I can do this. It’s breaking me down!”
But I manage. I do my best to focus on the bravery that I displayed by being truthful with who I am. Being truthful to Christa. Being truthful to my daughters. Being truthful to society and my faith. Being truthful with myself. Even at the cost of so, so much. The price has been high. The finer things in life cost more than the average things.
But it isn’t without hurt and adjustment. It isn’t without crying and at times sobbing. It isn’t without anger and frustration. It isn’t without feeling abandoned by God while at the same time calling upon him.
Not to change my situation. No. No. No. But a prayer of help. Help to adjust to where he has allowed me to be right now. I don’t believe in a God that sits in the clouds and waves a wand and sprinkles fairy dust to fix and change things that makes me uncomfortable. I ask him to help me adapt. I’m not weak. Far from it.
I would be weak had I remained in a closet of shame and lies. It takes real resilience and strength to give up everything that I thought was real and to embrace the authentic person that God created me to be. That takes power. That takes Braun.
So I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself… “self,” you are strong! You is kind, you is sweet and you is m’potent. You are good.
So I will wake up in the morning and drive 2/10’s of a mile to my three girls home and help get them ready for school and make them breakfast. Because I can. I can because of the grace, kindness and understanding that Christa affords me to be the father and helper that I promised I would be over 17 years ago in front of family and friends at that church in Springdale, Arkansas.
I am letting go of what I thought my life would be.