Over the past few months, I have found myself yet again sinking into a dungeon of darkness and depression. So deep that I had even become convinced that taking my life was likely the only way to exit the excruciating pain.
As is my usual attempt to process what is going on around me, I began to ask myself why. Why am I feeling so hopeless when in reality my life is going pretty well. I have a good life.
So the questioning turned to frustration and the frustration turned to hoplessness and the hoplessness to a plan of suicide. It was irrational I know. But if you have never been cursed with the disease of depression, you simply cannot comprehend how suicide becomes a viable solution to the pain. It is 100% true, DEPRESSION HURTS. It physically hurts.
I was sincerely attempting to get to the “why” of my sadness. I have been living authentically as a gay man for just over three years. I have grown past the loss of siblings and other people in my life that have rejected me. There was only one thing that kept resurfacing.
Even before Christa and I chose to end our marital relationship, we had talked about selling our home. We had come to the realization that it was much too large and very needy. The maintenance was becoming overwhelming as the girls got older.
I wonderd if selling the house was it. After all, This is the last physical and literal connection that I have with Christa. I thought this may be the source of the renewed depression.
I began to wonder if it was because I felt that my faith had been raped and I was no longer part of a church community. Could this be it?
So I began an intentional journey to renew my faith in God. I felt that my life had a hole in it that needed to filled. So I made tiny steps by gently moving toward my broken down faith.
As I was sitting in church, I did my best to keep my emitions in check. Being in the same room with that many Christians was very overwhelming. I have become very tentative of people that are Christians. I just scanned the room to see if I knew anyone. Wondering if they would be as kind to me if they knew that I am gay. Edit
I noticed families walking in together, sitting together…WAIT… THAT WAS IT! I had spent most of my time over the past three years protecting Christa, the girls, my family and my friends from bearing the shame of me being gay. I never wanted them to hurt.
While making sure that everyone else was ok, I neglected myself. Most importantly I neglected to mourn the loss of my marriage. The thing that I was most proud of in my life.
All my life, all I ever wanted was a wife, children, pets, a lawn to mow, a white picket fence, a red front door, a pool, a trampoline,to go to family get togethers and holiday celebrations and an SUV parked in the garage.
Well that was all lost in 2012. I lost the most important thing to me. My biggest accomplishment was my marriage that I shared with my movie star wife. It was a death. A loss. I took no time to mourn. I took no time to just be sad. I have not mourned.
So now I begin the process of mourning my marriage. I will allow myself time to be sad, to cry to feel the pain of this giagantic death that used to be my proudest accomplishment.
Thank you for being patient with me.