I promised myself that when I started this blog that I would write honestly and vulnerable. I am keeping with my commitment so far and today will be no different. The title of this post is obviously going to get my readers to really tune in. That is intentional. Thank you for reading.
I’m not looking for a theological debate of any sort. I’m not a good debater. However, as with each post, I get one or two of the religious-ish that wish to either correct, implore, inform, scold or debate me. It’s like asking me how I feel… The answer is neither right or wrong. I am who I am and feel what I feel. So pretty please save your self-righteous quips, quotes and other forms of your opinion for someone else. I have no shortage of opinions. Just ask my co-workers and daughters.
There IS a reason that I write this blog. Some of you don’t see it and the fact that I claim that I have an actual reason shocks some of you. Oh well… I don’t write to impress you or seek your approval. As a matter of fact, I don’t even write to change your mind or your belief structure. If somehow you change your mind, even just a teeny bit, then it is not me who changed your mind, but you yourself.
I DO write to share my journey and experience because I KNOW that I am NOT alone. The words I write are helping others in some form or fashion and that makes it worth the pain of revisiting my wounds and insecurities each time I blog.
I’m so glad that I got that out-of-the-way. Now let’s get back to the topic at hand. My desire for lust. Let me first give you my working definition of lust so that we are all singing from the same sheet of music.
In Old English (and several related Germanic languages), “lust” referred generally to desire, appetite, or pleasure. The sense of “to have a strong sexual desire (for or after)” is first seen in biblical use in the 1520s.
Today, the meaning of the word still has differing meanings as shown in the Merriam-Webster definition. Lust is:
- a: pleasure, delight b: personal inclination: wish
- intense or unbridled sexual desire: lasciviousness
- a: intense longing: craving, a lust to succeed b: enthusiasm, eagerness, admired his lust for life.
My working definition of lust for this particular post is a combination of all three of the above. Let me explain.
Several days ago, I happened to be with my former wife. We are great friends. Actually I’ve never had a better friend. She was about to go somewhere and as usual she was all dolled up. I honestly think that she was going grocery shopping. She stepped outside and posed the cutest pose ever and declared, “I’m foxy and ya know it!” Our two daughters were playing in the driveway agreed and I confirmed that she did look quite “foxy.” We all had a great laugh and she went on her way.
As she went on her way, I stared at her until I could no longer see her. I then looked at my two daughters who are as “foxy” as their mother and got all teared up. I actually turned away so that they wouldn’t notice. My heart began to hurt.
I looked up at the sky (because I have been taught that God is up there somewhere) and I literally prayed that God would give me lust for my former wife. I know a beautiful woman when I see one, I understand beauty. What gay man doesn’t? Right? This was different. It struck a chord that I didn’t want struck. I have been making such great progress in accepting my authentic self as a gay man. However…
I wanted to feel for her what in my head and heart I feel for men. I wanted to feel Lust for her… Pleasure, delight, intense longing, craving… and I’d be an absolute liar if I didn’t admit that I asked him to give me sexual lust for her. How is that for vulnerable? It’s almost embarrassing to admit. But in fact it is true. I literally found a quiet place to cry (again) for a while. I’m always looking for a good reason to cry. 🙂
Well that’s odd Chet! You “come out” as a gay man. You divorce your wife of 14 years 3 months and 1 day, because you are not sexually attracted to women and now you pray for God to help you lust after her? You are quite diabolical… and weird. Thanks for that, Captain Obvious.
Well, I’m glad you noticed and finally spoke up. I was wondering if you were alive.
Let me now share why I shared all of the above. Let’s first go back to the statement that I made earlier about not writing to change your mind, but writing more for those who share my struggle and situation. There are men and women alike who need a common bond to realize that they are not alone. Listen to me sir and ma’am. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a LARGE community of Formerly Married Gay and Lesbians who are here to stand and cry and grow with you.
Second, the frustration and anger that I feel because yet there are still people in my life who believe that somehow I “CHOSE” to be gay. That I am rebelling against God, the church and religion. They express sorrow for me, my former wife and my children. I don’t want or need your sorrow. I NEED your understanding. They talk “shit” and judge. Talk about ignorant. Yet they do NOTHING but speak ABOUT me and not TO me. Pretending that they have all the answers because they know “what the Bible says.” Come all you who will… walk in my shoes for a week. It’s easy to play Monday-morning-quarterback, (or whatever the hell that reference is) when you don’t even know where the darn locker room is. Oops… I’m gonna take a hit for that. Leave it to a gay may to bring up the locker room… geez
Third, the guilt, shame and pain that I live with and process on a daily basis. Could I have prayed harder as a child, teen, adult to be straight. Could I have done more “guy” things to be straight. Could I have taken some “get straight” classes to be straight. Should I have just killed myself as I had planned and plotted several times.
That is why I prayed that God would grant me lust for my former wife. I would have my “normal” life back. I would forgo the lack of friends, the lack of family ties, the fear of spending holidays alone or without my children, the stares, the whispers, the judgement and the gossip.
For all these things I prayed for LUST.
You see, I don’t have that kind of “feeling” for females. I notice beauty, I notice glamour and I even notice boobs, (yep I just said boobs) but the desire to have a sexual relationship with a female simply does not exist in my human make up. It never has and I denied and hid it as long as I could.
I knew that “coming out” had its price. I wasn’t sure that I had enough money to ride that train. Sometimes I feel bankrupt, homeless, useless, ashamed of and abandoned. As one family member wrote to me in a letter… “You didn’t lose your integrity, you willingly threw it out of the window.” Yep I feel that way sometimes too… and thanks for the love. Glad to see that your life is in perfect order or at least “better” than mine. (Insert Sarcasm)
For the first time I don’t even know how to end this blog post. I always like to end on a “happily ever after” note but I just don’t know how to do that today. I’ll bounce back, I always do. Some of you will post words of encouragement and it will make me feel good. Some of you will confirm in your mind that I’m nuts and have fallen away from God and will likely burn in hell. I’m OK with that too. I don’t need your permission to be me. I have heard it said that you can never appreciate the light without experiencing the darkness. Damn its dark up in here!
So I’ll just sit in the dark for a bit.