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I am a PMGF.

16 Mar

ImageOver the past several weeks, I have been stuck between the past, present and future.  You see… Being a gay man who was married for 14 1/2 years has put me in a category of society of which very little is known.  I have found myself angry, frustrated, mad, depressed, hopeless, sad, confused, bewildered and guilt-ridden.

Because I love my former wife and my two daughters so deeply, I still find myself upset that I am gay.  I want my family back, I want my house back, I want the dog, the cat… Ummm ok… maybe not the cat.  I don’t like cats.  I want to go places together and be recognized not as Chet, but as Chet who is married to Christa, his beautiful wife with two sweet girls that live in lovely suburbia in a beautiful home with beautiful wreath on the door,  a pool and great neighbors.  I MISS THAT… (and yes… I’m yelling).

Whatever uninformed, small-hearted, hateful, self-serving person that continues to tell me and any other “different” person that we CHOSE this… it is at times like this that I’d like to punch you in the neck for your insensitivity and downright stupidity. Image You sicken me with your bible thumping hateful opinions and misinterpretations of what Jesus really said… and somehow you simply forgot that you wear a rubber band bracelet with WWJD on it…  Take off your false advertising bracelets and your bumper stickers while you are at it.  You shame the God that you claim to represent.  (Wow glad I got that off my chest)

While some may debate me on this next issue, I would say that my life as a gay man who is formerly married is MUCH different from someone who has been gay their whole life or one who never married and had children.  I unequivocally accept that I am gay, but I am deeply struggling internally and externally with overcoming the guilt that I live with.  The guilt that overcomes me that I cannot explain at times. It is debilitating at times.  There are still days (while they may now be fewer) that I wish I had just gone through my plan of suicide. Everyone would be OK by now.  Instead I live daily with the wreckage that I have left behind.  (not reality, but somewhere in my mind.)

At the time of this writing, I am still not in relationship with my siblings and my relationship with my parents is cordial at best, but we may be making progress.  I’m told that this blog is in-part “responsible” for that separation. This simply adds another layer of complication and guilt that causes me physical sickness, emotional sadness and lots of tears.  I lost the support of my wife’s family through the divorce and I loss the support of my own family through years of hiding, guilt and shame and now being authentic.  In my mind, it will NEVER end and I need to somehow adjust… or “un-choose” my “lifestyle.”  Either way, I loose the real me.

So in response to my self-claim of “PMGF” (Previously Married Gay Father), I have taken to the internet to find as many PMGF’s as possible.  I have searched chat sites and other resources to locate those men, lest I go on feeling all alone and lest they go on feeling all alone.  In two weeks I have located and contacted 10 fathers in my area alone who are PMGF.  There are thousands more that I need to connect with.  Most are not blessed to have the support of their former wife or children as I am, but many have the support of their families, but somehow we usually feel alone.  Carrying guilt and shame of “destroying” our family for our “choice” of “lifestyle.”   So we will somehow, someway unite to support each other through what we feel is suffering in silence.  Another discovery is that MOST of these men are of Christian and/or religious faith and conservative politics and “values.”

Many of us (PMGF) wish to keep our faith and conservatism but feel that we must embrace the values bestowed  upon us by those non-faith and liberal gay community if we wish to be fully embraced by them.  So now we have the difficulty of hiding in our former life and again hiding in our “new” life. Over the past few months, I have personally been shamed by several in the gay community that simply cannot understand or respect my conservative and religious values. It has put me in a place of withdrawal.  So I’m attempting to be Rosa Parks, I will sit in the seat that I “chose” and I will practice my faith and conservatism.

I still continue to attend church (non-denom) with my former wife and children where on occasion I have to sit through a talk about my sinful “choice” and “lifestyle.”  I further have to re-educate my children on occasion when they tell me that their (church) teacher told them that they must love sinners and hate the sin of people who are gay.  However this is something that I have “chosen” to deal with as the education of my children is my responsibility and not that of a minister, pastor, deacon or teacher.  I do this in spite of the fact that I want to spit in the face of the “church” as a whole.  I gather myself and realize that most people in my church are OK with me being gay even though the “church” says differently.

So what about me being stuck between my past, present and future.  I am frustrated with myself about past of not being authentic and causing so much carnage.  I am stuck in my present because I am learning to navigate by my gauges only… the sky is foggy and unclear and I can barely see in front of my face. I’m stuck in my future because I simply don’t have a plan of where I am going yet.  I am simply circling around in my vessel trusting that I will not run out of fuel before the fog burns off and I can see clearly again and guide this vessel to safety.

namasteHuge, Mad respect to each of you who have reconsidered your belief system to show love and respect to Me, Christa and my girls.  To the rest of you… time is ticking and you are loosing valuable time with Me, Christa and my girls as you stand firm in your judgment, shame and hate.  It will not be long before the girls will be graduates and brides, and you will have missed it all.  All because their father is “different.”    The God in Me, Honors the God in you.

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14 Comments

Posted by on March 16, 2013 in Journey to Authenticity

 

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14 responses to “I am a PMGF.

  1. julorama67

    March 16, 2013 at 4:02 PM

    I LOVE you! I pray your guilt becomes a thing of the past and not something you struggle with daily. You living as your authentic self speaks volumes to the people around you, even those on both sides of the proverbial fence and those who are walking it. I hate that the wounds of those relationships ending are still so fresh, but I believe that God is close to the broken hearted. (((HUG)))

     
  2. Why Am I Gay?

    March 16, 2013 at 4:05 PM

    Thanks Juls! I love you sis.

     
  3. Lisa Michelle

    March 16, 2013 at 5:34 PM

    I wish I had answers for you. This is by far one of the hardest subjects in the church today! The church is very black or white on the issue. My Aunt is gay and believes in God but has never felt an open door from the church in her community. Her partner though refuses to let other peoples opinions or judgments stop her and shows up faithfully to Church despite what others may be saying. She has a strong faith & does not her circumstances effect her emotions. People are cruel & very quick to judge. I knew the first time I met you that you were gay. The people that introduced us thought I was way out of line for suggesting so! I told them mark my words someday he will come out because I know. I have a personal story I could share with you someday if you like, to explain how I had that discernment. My son asked the other day why do people hate gay people and I told him well there was a day when people hated blacks and wouldn’t even be in the same room with them but look where our world has come to today! People judge what they don’t know! I am not a bible scholar or God himself so it’s not up to me to judge you for how you live your life. It simply isn’t my place in this world. All I know is your a beautiful human being with a great heart & you tried to do the right (according to your belief system) thing for a very long time and I am not sure most people could of done that. Your a good man Chet my heart goes out to you, your family and the end of your story! Know you are loved and valued just the way your are and don’t let any fool tell you otherwise! Sending love and hugs!!!!

     
  4. Why Am I Gay?

    March 17, 2013 at 3:15 AM

    Wow Lisa. You blew me away with your comment. I am not a bit offended by your knowledge of me being gay. I wish some one… Anyone would have been.brave enough to have this conversation with me when I was struggling and before I married. I am hoping that my grim (in my own eyes) circumstances will somehow turn again into joy. I am somehow convinced it will not. I am weary of the fight.

     
  5. dougtennant

    March 17, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    Chet, the bottom line is we be true to Jesus in our relationship with him, and live his intent for us. Unfortunately, many church people believe a relationship with God is only as real as the church that chaperones it and therefore anything else must be false. I am meeting more and more people who have God’s heart but don’t fit in a church pew, and they just go right on loving God in spite of being told how wrong they are. They are truly beautiful people, and I’m glad to be among them. And glad to have this window into your world.

     
  6. Why Am I Gay?

    March 17, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    Thank you Doug. Beautifully written. I have not quite heard it that way. Yes… I’m finding that I don’t fit in the pew.

     
  7. Lisa Michelle

    March 18, 2013 at 7:20 AM

    I was hoping you weren’t offended. I speak the truth and sometimes I do offend. Stay strong,never give up!!

     
  8. Why Am I Gay?

    March 18, 2013 at 7:28 AM

    Absolutely no offense. I’d rather be offended by your truth than be hurt by your lie.

     
  9. Janelle

    March 18, 2013 at 8:15 AM

    I have been following your blog since Star posted (I have know John and Star for sometime, long time ago). While I am not walking in your footsteps and have never even come close to the exact same situation, I feel like I need to share. Since Star basically introduced me to your blog I have read it cover to cover so to speak. I literally sat at my computer sobbing a few days ago reading your journey. I have never met you but I find the path that you are on amazing and remarkable and I am sure there are many people sit in amazement of you. You are way too hard on yourself, seriously! Everyone has something going on, they may just chose to hide it. And I believe that a lot of “Christians” are great at doing this. Its easier to sit in a place of wanna be perfection than admit that we are all human beings that deserve love, respect and kindness. I have to have this conversation with my daughter on a daily basis, she struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression at a very very young age. One thing she is constantly telling me is “Mom, I am who I am.” All I can do for my daughter is help her be the best “her” she can be. There is a reason she is who she is, and who I am to tell her different. You have to tell yourself that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing what you need to be doing. You wrote about carnage you created, this is faulty logic. You created no carnage. If you never got married, never went through the struggles you had you could never accomplish the things you are going to do. Each person, whether Christian or not Christian, straight or gay is responsible for their own actions. You do not bear the weight on your shoulders, they are responsible for themselves. You have Children that I can tell you love and adore and to think about the people they will become being raised by you and your former wife to be the most loving, accepting people. I truly believe that it is kids like yours that do great things, that change the world, that set the pace for mankind. Think about who they will become and what they will be capable of today, tomorrow and years from now because you are you. So people/family chose to not be apart of your beautiful children’s lives. Family is what you make it, just because someone is blood relation does not make them true family. No person is perfect and in my most humble opinion you have to let go of your expectations of others, something I still struggle to do on a daily basis. People are mean, cruel and nasty, let them be. You just be who you are and raise your children to be the best people they can be. You have to let go of this wish for perfection in your life. I believe you can make a huge difference in this world, you just need to look in the mirror and say “I am who I am” and be the best you can. The world needs people like you Chet! You have a message of love and acceptance and peace, you should take that and run with it. You even mentioned Rosa Parks, you have been on this journey for a reason. Obviously you are outspoken and now you have something of great importance to share. You may think you have created a mess. I do not believe you have. I would encourage you to read something I wrote yesterday on perfection. I feel like you might take something away from it. http://onemomentnortonfamily.blogspot.com/2013/03/thought-monsters.html. I truly wish the best for you and hope that you can see what me, a stranger, can see clearly in you.

     
  10. Why Am I Gay?

    March 19, 2013 at 8:53 PM

    Janelle,
    This could not have come to me at a more perfect time. I cried as I read it. I have never met you either, but I heard your voice speaking almost is if you and I were sitting down for coffee. It sounded like the voice of God himself… Wait… It was the voice of God. He spoke to me with your mouth. THANK YOU. May I use your reply in a future blog. In addition, would yoi consider being my guest blogger in a near future post. The topic is your choice.

    Bless ya.

    Chet

     
  11. Janelle

    March 20, 2013 at 5:35 AM

    Chet! I am so glad you understand what I wrote you, I feel like I understand you, our paths are not the same but I understand. You have way to much to offer to not do something great with your life. And, yes you can use anything I wrote in part of your blog and sure I would love to be a guest blogger, and I do feel honored that you would ask me that! I hope you have a wonderful day and I truly do look forward to your next blog.

     
  12. Why Am I Gay?

    March 21, 2013 at 11:42 PM

    Let me know when your post is ready and I will post it

     
  13. Janelle

    March 22, 2013 at 3:32 PM

    Chet, my post is done (its being edited for spelling and grammar by a good friend right now). Where do I send it? Not sure if I should post it on mine first… let me know.

     
  14. Why Am I Gay?

    March 22, 2013 at 3:34 PM

     

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