It is amazing how much change can take place in one year. I know this to be fact. I went from pretending to be straight/heterosexual to accepting that I, in fact am gay. I went from being married to a beautiful, strong, stable woman to being in a relationship with a strong, stable, supportive man. It will be one year on January 1st, that I chose to be honest with my wife of 14 1/2 years and honest with my children, myself, my family and friends.
I have said it multiple times before that If I knew that being honest, authentic and real would cost me so much, that I may have just skipped to plan “B” of suicide. I am thankful to my God for keeping me from committing such a selfish, irreversible act. I have found such contentment and happiness in truth.
Yesterday I presented my boyfriend (and yes… it is just as awkward for me to say this as it is for you to read it) with a Christmas present that he has wanted for a long time. I had no idea that he has wanted it for over two decades. He wanted a peacock for his yard at his historic home in downtown Phoenix that was built in 1920. I knew that buying him a peacock would be destined for fierce innuendo. Let’s just put that on the table. The innuendo almost kept me from making this purchase for him. A peacock… really… you want a peacock? Come on… fa serious???… couldn’t he have wanted a flamingo or something… at swan maybe. How about some ducks? Something a little less “gay.” NOPE… He wanted a peacock. So guess what? A peacock is just what he got. Not a peahen… A PEACOCK. Par for the course… a gay man giving his boyfriend a peacock. Well… enough innuendo. I gave him a beautiful bird that is graceful and beautiful.
So what does he name it… Oh the fun and innuendo continue. SEBASTIAN. Yep… that’s right. He named him after the patron “gay” saint. I had no idea that gay’s had a saint! I was taught that all gays were evil… heathens who were part of satan’s team. I have so much to learn… So now we have a gay man giving his boyfriend a peacock that is named Sebastian after a gay saint. Hmmmm… What?… am I just desperate for laughs and giggles. I surely must be. Do I not have enough drama in my life? I guess God loves laughter.
So where am I going with this? I’m so A.D.D. that I almost forgot. OK… now I remember… So yesterday is the first time that I have been to church in a couple of months. I gotta be honest, I am sick over how I have been treated (directly and indirectly) by my friends and family who are church-goers. Notice I didn’t say Christian… I’ve learned to separate the two, ’cause to be honest, I just don’t know anymore. I’m shocked at how unkind and passive-aggressive they have been. Two people even deactivated their Facebook pages for “personal reasons” only to re-activate it after they unfriended me. It is beyond hurtful.
I’m just hoping that these folks are as perfect as they believe that they are. You know who you are and I now know who you are. I know a lot of your imperfectness and I still considered you dear to me and a friend. Only now I see that our friendship was not mutual. I guess that our divide is too great for mutual friendship and respect. Not on my part. I recently sent my father a birthday greeting even though we are not in relationship right now. I wrote to him, “I don’t want assume how you feel about me, and I don’t want you to assume how I feel about you. Happy Birthday, I love you. Nothing more, nothing less.” Why is it that we assume how others feel about us? I don’t want to live that way anymore. I am happy to report that he responded. 🙂
Now back to the peacock. I was taken aback at how many negative and rude comments that people made on my boyfriend’s Facebook page when he posted that he had received a gift that he longed for over 20 years. How in the world can you look at such a graceful, beautiful creature of God and only see that “those birds are so loud!?” Are you kidding me… are you that shallow? That is like throwing away your Mercedes-Benz just because it is loud when it starts? It’s like saying you hate children or people who talk. The bird is only communicating. He is calling out for companionship and friendship. How is that in any fashion UGLY or BAD. It’s such a “cup-half-empty” mentality. If you look for the worst, you will find it quickly. You are better than that. …And if you think for a moment that you are without fault, then please do us all a favor and move to the country of perfect…a land that doesn’t exist silly.
So as I went to church yesterday, I was reminded that I am far from perfect and that I have flaws. A lot of flaws. Being gay is not one of them. I was reminded that I am light. Light of God…and that is a perfect gift.
Later yesterday evening, a VERY DEAR friend who has been a mother/sister to me for years and I were texting each other. She shared this with me: “My favorite thing is to be able to give the The Perfect Gift & that’s what you did for your boyfriend. I read his comments on Facebook and know how thrilled he is. I cannot relate to his desire to own one, but it is very beautiful. I know his pleasure feels like a give back to you. I love that feeling!”
She is sooooo right. I replied back: “That is an Amazing feeling. I hope that God feels that way about me…”
This is one lady that ALWAYS has water (or something) in her glass. Why? …glad you asked. Because even if she has just a drop… her cup is NOT empty. It’s a choice. She saw the beauty not only in the peacock, but in the response of my boyfriend. His response of shock-and-awe was enough to not even care how “loud” the bird can be when he is looking for companionship and company, but to see one of his dreams to come true. His appreciation was the BEST GIFT that he could have given to me in return. Now he wants a peahen too… go figure!
The peacock Sebastian is not perfect. He gets loud, he poops, shed feathers every year and can even peck you if he feels threatened. But don’t be so cup-half-empty. He is graceful and beautiful and is so relaxing to sit on the swing and watch him prance… like a good gay bird. LOL.
Sooo… We are all far from perfect yet we continue to act blameless and “better-than” when we shun others who are not “like” us or share a different belief system. This my friend is so cup-half-empty. I speak to myself here. When I blog, I blog for ME, I have just chosen to share my life lessons with you. This is not “directed” at anyone in particular. If you should choose to find value in my sharing, then please let me know. If you find no value, please give yourself permission to stop reading.
So as I reflect back to the peacock who is quite a disturbance at times, the greater reality is that he is God’s light and creation. I have an obligation to seek the good and minimize the unpleasant.
The God in me honors the God in you.
We are His Light. NAMASTE!