I’m so CONFUSED? Not really.

27 Aug

Ahhhh…  my topic for this post has not much to do with me discovering why I am gay.  The topic today is a word that has been used to describe what we as co-parents are “allowing” to happen to our two children who are ages 6 1/2 and 9 1/2 respectively.

That word is…  you guessed it.  CONFUSE, CONFUSING, CONFUSED… and all three have been used interchangeably.  Let’s go ahead and throw in another word that has been used loosely as well and that word is…  yep, you guessed that one too… NORMAL.  Now that’s a combination right.


Lets look first at the word Confuse by taking a look at what Dictionary.Com has to say:

con·fuse [kuhn-fyooz]

verb (used with object), con·fused, con·fus·ing.

1. to perplex or bewilder: The flood of questions confused me.
2. to make unclear or indistinct: The rumors and angry charges tended to confuse the issue.
3. to fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake;confound: to confuse dates; He always confuses the twins.
4. to disconcert or abash: His candor confused her.
5. to combine without order; jumble; disorder: Try not to confuse the papers on the desk.
6. Archaic . to bring to ruin or naught.
Now let’s look at the other word and what has to say about this one:

nor·mal [nawr-muhl]  


1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology .

a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
Ok, now that we have established some definitions. Let this naive, barely street-smart cajun tell you a question…  that’s right.  I’m gonna tell ya a question.  …and I talk real fasss so ya bettah lissen fasss.
Since we have made the difficult choice to be unmarried due to my “situation” we have received solicited and some not-so-solicited advice about remaining together in our home as a family until the time is such that one of us should move forward in another relationship.
We have been given advice from the professional field as well as the not-so-professional field. It seems to be that the general OPINION is that we should not be residing together as this sending a CONFUSING message to our children because we are not in a NORMAL marriage relationship.  Think about that for a minute… don’t burn your brain now thinking too hard.  Hear me out.
Our home is situated in a very nice neighborhood where our girls play with their friends that they go to school with on a daily basis.  The home is well over 3,000 square feet and has a master suite upstairs and downstairs.  Not a bad deal.  It its big enough to move around and small enough to know where our kids and the multiple other kids that are usually here as well.  It’s a perfect set-up for co-parenting right now.
I wonder how CONFUSING it would be for our children to be downsized into a home less than half this size with no common friends and changing schools as well.  I wonder how CONFUSING it would be to move the kids from home to home  every week so that mom and dad could both have parenting time with them.  I wonder how CONFUSING it would be to see their parents who still love each other and them deeply never share a meal, chores and swim-time together after a long hot day.  it is all they have known for their entire lives?  It’s not broken…  why fix it.
I wonder how NORMAL it would be to go from home to home each week and how NORMAL it would be to be separated from their pets, favorite blanket and toys. I would argue that in spite of our personal desires, that we have gone to great lengths to keep this as NORMAL and NON-CONFUSING for them.  It would be so much easier for us to split assets and bring confusion and abnormality into the lives of our very well-balanced kids.
Here is another word for you.  REALITY.  Reality is that life if full of confusing events.  Reality is that life is full of abnormal people claiming to be NORMAL when they are simply fooling only themselves.  (you know the type – you just said their name in your head…  lol)
Reality is that there is no textbook answer for the unique situation that we are facing.  We don’t fit the mold that society has made for us.  So we have chosen to be trial blazers.  We may not get it 100% right but we certainly are not getting it 100% wrong either.  I ASSURE you and I speak from facts, there are literally thousands of families just like ours, but one spouse or the other will not “come out” because they are deathly afraid of loosing everything.  So they continue to pretend.  How normal and confusing is that???  It is easy to divorce and separate when you don’t like, love or simply despise the person that you are married to.  That is not our situation.  We love each other deeply and share a mutual respect for each other and our family unit.
Several people have visited us at our home since we are no longer married and have been absolutely amazed and how NORMAL our family unit is.  Unfortunately our visitors have diminished greatly since we decided to “CONFUSE” our children and ourselves alike, but the visitors that we do have are almost jealous at our progress and attempt to NORMALIZE an otherwise CONFUSING situation.   “They” used to say the same thing about interracial couples and that has proven to be FAULTY, FAULTY, FAULTY.
So for those professionals and not-so-professional, I ask you…  What would be a better solution? What is so profoundly abnormal and confusing  that we could do “better” as not to CONFUSE our children and cause them to be ABNORMAL?  Please don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question.  And no… I’m not gonna look up that word for you today.  Two dictionary references is more than this back-wood-cajun can handle today.
Much love to those who have loved and supported us not in word but in action.  It’s easy to say “we love you guys” but we never hear from or see you.  Remember the simple song that says LOVE is a VERB.  It means that action must take place.  OUCH.  Not being snarky… just real.  Yes we have noticed you don’t comment on our Facebook posts, photos or my blog. (But I certainly know that you read it…  your IP address is perfectly visible to me on my blog reports.)  We notice that you don’t care to visit with us.  We hear the things that you say to others but won’t say to us directly.

We have been very clear and concise in communicating to our daughters exactly what is “going on” in our family.  They are so happy that we still share meals together, they are happy that we still attend church together and they are happy that when life threw us a curve ball that we are still able to love each other and trust in our God for counsel and guidance.  We pray together for ourselves and for other families who may find themselves in our situation.  We have chosen to FOCUS on our FAMILY.

Thanks for reading and sharing.


Posted by on August 27, 2012 in Journey to Authenticity


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

15 responses to “I’m so CONFUSED? Not really.

  1. julorama67

    August 27, 2012 at 5:50 PM

    I love your Blog my friend! Normal is such a poorly used word. Lol! Julie G

  2. Myra Theriot

    August 27, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    Love you guys. That’s it. Who am
    I to criticize a family I love and am amazed at how things are being handled to keep your family unit intact. (didn’t ck but think it’s spelled that way!) lol.

  3. Rosie Lora

    August 27, 2012 at 6:30 PM

    I luv u guys!

  4. Why Am I Gay?

    August 27, 2012 at 6:58 PM

    Myra. You are my family sis.

  5. Why Am I Gay?

    August 27, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    We love you more!

  6. Judi Staggers

    August 27, 2012 at 8:22 PM

    Stay strong, Chet n Christa <3. I also admire you both keeping your family unit intact. Chet, I love how you can express yourself so well in your writings. Praying that depression is lifted from you. I love you, my brother ❤

  7. Why Am I Gay?

    August 27, 2012 at 8:30 PM

    Thx Judi. The depression is a lifelong issue. It comes and goes but is very managed with meds. Just every now and then it sneaks up on me and I have to do extra exercise and get a little more rest. Love you more sis.

  8. Connie Lambert

    August 27, 2012 at 9:05 PM

    Glove you, friend. Stop by and see us.

  9. Connie Lambert

    August 27, 2012 at 9:06 PM

    Lol, i hate auto spell. Love

  10. Megan

    August 27, 2012 at 9:07 PM

    Children need love, support and security; that seems to be an abundant resource in your home. I love reading your stories and I admire your brave, trail blazing family. I love that you refuse to let the destructive criticisms and supposed limitations rent space in your mind and you make the choice to focus on the peace, freedom and love that you feel. You are doing great work and no doubt having a positive impact on others, not only those finding themselves in a circumstance similar to yours but your words remind us all about the root of Christianity, which is love.

  11. Lori

    August 28, 2012 at 9:30 AM

    Chet ~ I admire you and Christa for keeping your family together under one roof! I truly believe you two are doing the right thing!

    Wishing you and Christa many blessings for your difficult journey! Love you!

  12. Bryan

    August 28, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Simply beautiful, simply “normal”, not confusing at all. Love knows no boundaries, and as you have so eloquently written in previous posts, nor does GOD. Chet you are an inspiration to all walks of life.

  13. Krissy

    September 1, 2012 at 7:44 AM

    There are no right or wrong way to do things, just how you feel it in your heart and you guys are doing great! Your girls are so happy to have both of you there. Hugs!

  14. Phoenix Dads Group

    September 6, 2012 at 5:58 AM

    Normalcy is what you create and when it is done out of authenticity, honesty and love…. well then, it is a recipe of happiness 🙂 Welcome to happiness, I hope I have an opportunity to get to know you and your beautiful family. I blazed a trail with my daughter (now 13yo) and created happiness against what everyone said would be “too confusing”. I dare say my daughter better off now than most because I treated her with my authentic self(meaning a Dad who is human and makes errors but talks own them, learns from them and shares that experience), honesty and unconditional Love! Happy Blazing to you and your family!

  15. Kay

    September 10, 2012 at 9:22 PM

    Wow! And I thought my life was hard. Your struggles are so terribly poignant and seemingly insurmountable. I admire your courage for writing about your life.


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