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In HONOR of my Former Wife

17 Aug

I was scouring the internet as I usually do trying to find answers and reasons to why I am gay.  It’s a burning question still in my mind and while I may not find an answer, I am finding valuable information nonetheless.

I came across the story below and it hit me solid.  I have been very open with my respect, honor and love for my Former Wife.  She has loved me when she could have hated me.  She has shown mercy, love and grace when she was not obligated to.  She is my biggest cheerleader and the best member of my fan club.  When I am having a rough day, she is there to scrape me up and keep me moving along.  She is truly a Hero who deserves a medal.  I am certain that God will grant her just that.  Today this blog is dedicated to her as I want her to know not only privately that I love her, but publicly as well.  You are the hand that I reach for when I’ve lost my way.  I look forward to the day when I see you in a relationship that provides the intimacy, love and passion that I am not capable of providing to you.

The story below is not my writing it was cut and pasted from a blog and website that I have come to respect.  Bonnie Kaye.  It was her website that helped me to come out and be honest.  I am indebted to her.

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Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., the world recognized specialist in straight/gay relationship counseling for 24 years, is now available to work with you via telephone, a personal live private chatroom, instant messaging, email, or in person when locality permits. Bonnie is the “go-to” person when media news stories need advice. She is a resource for Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, and Tyra Banks. She has recently appeared as a guest on CNN, FOX News, and Women’s Entertainment Network as a professional counseling expert in this field.  Check out her website at www.Gayhusbands.com and www.Straightwives.com. Bonnie’s books have helped thousands of women learn the way to emotional happiness.

You can never fix a broken man–but he can break you.

WISE WORDS FROM MY FRIEND NANCY IN GEORGIA

When I went to Houston to meet with some of our women in March, one woman who joined us was Nancy. Nancy wrote to me: I pulled up something I wrote about October of 2010 that reflect the thoughts I had as I struggled with what to do about our marriage. I think you will find at the time that I felt like many believers that these urges should be kept inside and not expressed especially if married. I now know that this is impossible, but I figured many women like me may have these same feelings as they go through this painful process. This piece that Nancy wrote is followed by her new piece which shows how her feelings have evolved over the past two years.

Nancy will be my guest on the Straight Wives Talk Show tonight. You can hear her by going to the following link at 10:00 p.m. EST or accessing the archive any time after the show is on: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bonnielkaye/2012/07/16/straight-wives-talk-show You can also go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com and put Straight Wives Talk Show July 15, 2012 in the search box.

Here are Nancy’s original words:

Reflections (2010)

I come here today to begin to make peace with a new life that seems to be unfolding before us. Over the past few months we have been faced with many changes that rocked our world, and caused much tension, heartache, suspicions, and anger. On the other hand, it has caused me personally to reacquaint myself in the most intimate way to God, our creator. He has been there to provide assurance, guidance, and an unmistakable peace that can only be explained through His divine power.

I have had much time to reflect since the news that came on that June 5, 2010, and although at that time, the details were sketchy and unclear, I was not surprised at the revelation, something I had suspected to be the case became a reality. The words:“ I am gay, and I was born that way” resounded loud and clear.

I did not make assumptions about how this would all play out, but the foundation of a world that seemed so certain, was far from that. It made many things clear to me as we had grown apart over the past years, and I had felt a loneliness as a result of a lack of closeness in our marriage. But I quietly put away some of those feelings, and dedicated myself to the task of educating and raising our children, and in supporting my spouse in his career by managing our household.

I know that as best he could, with an ever increasing struggle to disguise the feelings he always had, he tried to continue to be committed to supporting our family but ever increasingly removed himself emotionally and dedicated much more time to his own personal growth and development outside of our relationship together. On at least two occasions I initiated conversations about how I would like to see us develop a relationship that would help us grow together. These interactions got very little to no response, and I just quit trying.

There seemed to be no room or common ground together for us to make that happen. I missed the relationship that comes from the dedication to grow closer in a husband and wife union. What I saw more and more was an association that regarded me mostly as the mother the children, and a business partner as we managed our home. But here we are, and I have played out many scenarios in my mind. I have told Chuck that I believe God knew his struggles before we married, yet, provided a family relationship, children, and an extended family that loves and accepts him even now. I also believe he provided an environment at work of the highest caliber that gives him the opportunity to grow not only in what he does best, but an exposure to the top leaders and fellow believers . All of these serving as a hedge of protection from a life that may or may not be that which God intended.

I do believe that not all gay men are intended to follow their attraction, any more than a gambler should live in a Casino, or an alcoholic a bar. Forgive me if this is a simplistic way to describe a very complex struggle. These associations can be destructive, and ultimately deceive one into believing that to follow this attraction is Gods plan for that individual. But ultimately, that is not my decision to make, and only Chuck and God know the answer. I just want to make sure that no stone is left unturned so that the decision is made assuredly and without regret.

In answer to a question: “Can I be married to a gay man?”. My answer is no, I cannot be married to a man who is not dedicated fully to his wife at the exclusion of all others. This was part of our commitment at the altar in which we were to “forsake all others and devote ourselves” completely to each other. I know that the person that is gay remained hidden and the person I married compartmentalized himself to accommodate the different lives in an attempt at keeping the gay person out of sight while still giving the appearance of a husband and wife relationship.

The events of recent months made that duality impossible to continue and what little was revealed to me about an ongoing relationship only led to more suspicions. The trust I thought I knew had broken. The frustration which I now face, is separation, and the enigma of that person continues. Our separation gave way to more secrecy and very little disclosure about where we were headed.. This is no longer acceptable, and I seek to know where we stand. I requested that we meet together before now, and it was rejected. I am now compromising by meeting with a therapist who already has a relationship with my husband, and try to initiate some dialog about our future. Perhaps in this meeting, knowing that he has revealed enough information, that together we conclude that divorce is the only solution. I am ready for whatever is or will be determined.

This was Nancy’s newest writing:

Left Handed- Right Handed, Gay-Straight When driving home from work one day, I reached into the driver’s side door pocket to grab a pencil. I grabbed it with my left hand and held it as if to write. It felt awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place for me, a right handed person. I began to think how amazing it is that we come into this world with certain dominant characteristics that make us who we are. I happen to have a son who is right handed, and a daughter who is left handed.

There was a time in history where a left-handed person was considered a nasty habit, a mark of the devil, a sign of neurosis, rebellion, criminality, and homosexuality (http://facts.randomhistory.com/facts-about-left-handedness.html). Fortunately we have abandoned such ridiculous misconceptions when it comes to our dominant hand, but unfortunately we have still hold on to misunderstandings about a person’s sexual orientation. I do not know why left-handed dominance previously got such a bad rap. Perhaps it is because 90 percent of all humans are right handed. It is customary to see something that is not the “normal” as unusual and a threat to the standard. We may look back at these facts and think them to be so ridiculous, archaic, and coming from people who are intellectually inferior. But as we explore the issue of sexual orientation, we still hear these same ridiculous “facts” that take us back to the people whom we now criticize about their views of right-left hand dominance. I cannot imagine if we had lived in a time where my left-handed daughter would have suffered such abuse, to the point where it would have been better to force her to write with her right hand to avoid the “label” and “abuse”.

As her parent, desiring her best interest and protection, would have trained her to deny what was a trait that God had created in her, to be what our narrow minds considered the only acceptable way. Instead today, we speak of the left-right hand dominance as a natural inclination, and accept whatever way our children are “wired”. The explanation for which hand we will utilize is much more scientific, and we know so much more about the function of our brain and bodies. On the other hand, our sexual orientation, also a result of the way we are “wired” has not benefited from the same progressive thinking and acceptance.

Although the implications of our orientation are more complex than manual dexterity, the reality of it being something we are born with has been a difficult concept for most to grasp. It is difficult for us to pick up a pencil to write, or try to work primarily with a hand that is not our dominant one. It is awkward and requires more effort from our brain to make it do what it should. It does not feel natural, yet with some training, we can improve the use of it, but never to the finesse of our dominant hand. Who can explain such a mystery? I cannot, but I see it in action.

I am not here to explain these things, but I am here to say that we are born with certain traits, dominant characteristics, and yes, a sexual orientation. Knowing that 90% of the human population is right-handed, does not make it the only way, instead, it is the most prevalent. In the same manner, heterosexuality is the sexual orientation of the majority, but homosexuality cannot be denied as a real orientation by a smaller population of the world. We may not be able to describe how and why this can be possible, but it does not discount the reality of its occurrence. I speak passionately of these things out of personal experience in a brother (never married) and a now ex-husband who are homosexual.

Through much research, counseling, and hearing from life experiences of other women like me, I have come to terms with the reality of their sexual orientation. Would they have lived differently if the “prejudices” or “misgivings” about homosexuality did not exist? If there are indeed four million women in this country alone who unknowingly marry gay men, I will have to say that the suffering from a “mismarriage” is carried on in the lives of the women children, and extended family and friends. The consequences of trying to live the most acceptable form of “family” can be devastating and painful to all those involved. In this country we have made some strides in accepting homosexuality as a natural part of human life and not merely a choice.

There are places around the world where the consequences of such a revelation could result in death, and for this reason, the option of leaving a marriage would be impossible. I hope that we continue to open our minds to the complexity of life and become more open to the possibilities of just how we are “wired”. It will only make it easier for men and women to come to terms with their sexual orientation, and perhaps feel less pressure to follow the majority, rather than the person intended by God for them to be.

Nancy from Georgia

Thank you Nancy, for explaining this in a sensitive and understandable way. Part of our healing process is understanding that what has happened to us in having a gay husband has nothing to do with us as wives. We didn’t create it or cause it–and we can’t change it. We can accept it and move on in our lives.

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1 Comment

Posted by on August 17, 2012 in Journey to Authenticity

 

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One response to “In HONOR of my Former Wife

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