I never like to write/blog (or do anything for that matter) when I am feeling defeated, sad and beaten down. I feel like I’m traveling somewhere uphill both ways in the snow, sleet and rain without a coat or shoes. Actually I feel quite naked and exposed. I like to put on my happy face and just be the best me that I can me.
Well today i’m making an exception. I am writing this one day before my 43rd birthday and one day after someone took a pot-shot at me and my former wife on their Facebook post. It would have been easier if the person was someone that I didn’t know. Reality is, it is one that I know quite well and who feels that their life is so squeaky clean that they can make false statements regarding others in a public forum. The information shared was false and the poster did not or could not verify any of the information. It was second and third hand information that shamed my morality, Christianity and honesty. I was told that I needed to check into a mental hospital as well. When you post truth, you usually post the valid source of that truth.
It appears that they were upset about my honesty and sincerity on this blog. I have never taken “shots” at any individual on my blog. The opposite is true. I do not allow names to be used except my own and my reference to people is usually gender neutral when possible. I try to use words like “us” and “we” when referring to others instead of saying “you.” This person is also unaware that I can see just how many times that they visit and view my blog. It is often. If you don’t like what you are reading, then why continue to do so. I’ll tell you why, because they are curious about what is going on in my world. They wish to find my faults and defeats because it makes them feel like they are better than me and therefore justifies their self-anger, self-shame and self-scorn. Anyone who takes joy in shaming others are usually shameful people. People hurt others where they themselves are hurt. I know, I used to do this too.
The backlash from the post has caused further hurt, pain and distance for me. It was like a “bat to the face.” The proverbial kick in the nuts. I had to take a dramatic action of blocking phone numbers from my phone and people on my Facebook friends list. Others who were included in the post did not take time to realize that no matter how burned or flat a pancake is…there is always a second side with the actual truth being somewhere in the middle. Others shamefully posted in support or “liked” the post. In doing so, they condoned the behavior of shaming people publicly. Others however stood publicly in protest. Your kindness is appreciated immensely. One supportive person actually showed up at my door to give support. You know who you are. That was very brave and selfless of you. I respect the hell out of you.
I will not be silenced or shut up. This blog is my personal journey and my outlet. If you don’t like it, you have a choice not to read it. Several have commented that I need to stop airing my “dirty laundry.” Really? Dirty Laundry? The very reason I am in this place today is because I did what others expected of me. I remained silent about who I was. I remained silent about my pain and shame. I kept my dirty laundry inside and it began to stink, sour and get moldy. The stink was unbearable and the mold was making me ill. So I threw it out into the trash. I have no dirty laundry any longer. It’s fresh and clean in my house. Not to mention, my blog is not quite a month old, and I have had over FIVE THOUSAND views. Yeah me!
This blog serves multiple purposes. The first is to give me an outlet of writing and sanity. The second was discovered after my first or second post. To help others. I have had many people ask me to NEVER stop writing as I have helped either them individually or someone that they love to understand that they are not alone in their situation. I will be sharing their stories in future blogs. This is my service back to a community of people who have lived in shame and hurt for much too long.
I don’t give two cents about what your position on homosexuality is. Fact remains that it exists today in Churches and Families across the world. I will not be silenced or shamed into being quiet. For every 1 person that has been unkind, 10 people have been kind, even when they didn’t agree.
I’m not sure how to end this post. I’m adjusting to life without people who I have grown up with and loved. I’m kinda scared, still hurt and angry. I don’t understand bitter, hateful people who take pleasure in harming others to make themselves feel better. I will be taking time away from those who are ashamed, embarrassed and not understanding or accepting of me. I have not only un-friended but blocked them on FB and blocked phone numbers from my phones. I will limit my communication and contact with them until I am ready. This is MY journey and MY life. I will allow only supportive and kind people to communicate with me. I can’t control others, but I can control how I let them invade and participate in my life.
I gotta run. I have a birthday to get happy for.