Today I am so proud to have a guest blogger. She is my best friend, supporter, cheerleader, spiritual adviser, and my feather mattress when I just need a soft place to fall. We were introduced by a special friend who will always have a special place in each of our hearts. Thanks K.B.
She is intuitive, kind, smart, gentle, loving, and a confidant. I am beyond blessed and lucky to have had her as my girlfriend/fiance for 1 year and my wife of 14 years. In previous blogs I mention that she has the talent of an FBI agent when in comes to dishonesty and bullsh**. She can sniff out dishonesty and crap about six blocks away. So asking the question, “How did she not know?” is just plain stupid. She did know, she was suspicious and even mentioned some of my effeminate behaviors to me. But because of the grace and mercy that she choose to display, she believed that she could somehow make me straight and help me.
When I realized that this was smashing her spirit, I pulled the trigger and confirmed her suspicions. I simply could not see her live in the exact same hurt, shame and humiliation that I was living in. By being honest with each other, we have spared ourselves the hate and bickering that is common during the dissolution of a marriage. Our children did not need to see either of us be unkind to the other. NO ONE is to blame here. If anyone is to blame, it was me for not being honest sooner, but I SINCERELY believed that I had “overcome” my “situation.” I SINCERELY believed that marrying would make me straight and fix this “thing” raging inside of me. I SINCERELY believed that I was doing what Christ and the Church had called me to do. I never intended to be deceptive. I was doing what I believed to be the right thing.
I have listened to a mass amount of christian messages, and I have preached many myself about how God has not designed us to live in SAME, FEAR, HUMILIATION, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY or any other internal craziness. Well, I have accepted that for myself. Today I live in peace knowing that God and His Holy Spirit still dwells within me as long as I ask Him to. Some disagree with me but I won’t own their doubt or legalism. My relationship with God is mine.
OK now back to my guest blogger. She asked to write on my blog which shocked me. I wanted my audience to hear from her, but I didn’t feel that I had a right to ask her. When she volunteered, I immediately agreed.
Now a word from my Sponsor…My HERO!
First let me start by saying thank you to all the faithful readers of this blog. I know this has been extremely difficult for Chet to open up and become so transparent for all to know his deepest internal struggle but I also know that it has been a therapeutic outlet for him as well. So with that being said…I thought it would be helpful to be able to put my thoughts on paper and have the opportunity to share my own heart. I asked Chet if I could be a guest blogger and was actually a little surprised that he so quickly embraced my idea to write. Now let me explain why I thought he would be hesitant. For the past 14 plus years Chet has been the “official” writer of the family. This started way back when with all of our wedding correspondence and continued with Christmas newsletters, birth announcements, party invites, etc. You name it, he wrote it. I would slave away for hours on end on my girls’ baby scrapbooks but was NOT allowed to write any of the descriptions on the pages. It all had to be done by Chet. Because he is a control freak you ask? No, because he says I write like I’m writing an article for Business Weekly. Oh well…let’s move on. I hope this post isn’t too “business-like” 🙂
This journey is one that I had never anticipated finding myself on but life has a way of throwing curve balls. At this point I have two options, either embrace the journey and see what I can learn from it and how it can shape me into becoming a better person or I can harbor resentment and bitterness and slowly let it devour me. I decided to go with the first option which I must confess hasn’t always been the easiest. Chet has portrayed me on previous blogs as his biggest cheerleader and I have been extremely supportive to him but there have also been moments when I have cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe and my face and head literally hurt the next day. I have gone through the grieving process and all the stages that come along with it but my situation is unique in that it was a “slow fade.” Let me explain what I mean by that. I started to become suspicious of his behavior over the past 18 plus months so it wasn’t like I was dropped a bomb in my lap all at once. Chet always said I should have worked for the FBI as no one can pull a fast one on me but again in this situation I wanted to believe the best and so I intentionally turned a blind eye to red flags waiving before me. He began to guard his cell phone like it was the crown jewel, he started working bizarre hours and he would come home after he knew I was already in bed. I started going to events alone or with the girls as he wasn’t up to attending, he was on the computer A LOT and lastly one day he came home with a new wardrobe. Learn the warning signs.
I am an open book and likely share too much about myself at times but I’ve always thought it was super healthy to carry this trait into our relationship and we did from the very beginning so when anything would bother either of us we were always able to openly discuss the situation to come to a resolution. With this trait I am also an incredibly honest person which also hurt deeply when I knew Chet was not being honest with me. He started avoiding me at all costs which was extremely hurtful and also another red flag. Internally I start to question EVERYTHING about myself-am I not pretty enough? Am I not wearing the right clothes? Should I change my hairstyle? Do I need to work out more? The battle that rages in your mind can be very difficult to overcome but I am thrilled with the progress I have made and come to realize this had nothing to do with me.
We have had a great open relationship. Have there been struggles…you bet there have been! What couple doesn’t but we rarely fight and really look out for each others’ best interest. So now I find myself in situation and I am in the process of making lemonade from my lemons. Chet truly thought he had conquered his same sex attraction by marrying me and starting a family and his intentions were honest. Do I think anything would have changed in the beginning if he had told me “I am attracted to men,” I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. We have had a good relationship and we have so many things in common. Just recently we were out shopping at JoAnn’s for a fabric to use in our home and we both came around the corner from opposite directions and we were each holding the exact same fabric swatch. I could go on and on with examples like this but I will not bore you.
So now I will address why we have both decided to end our marriage. There have been plenty of tears from both Chet and myself regarding this decision and not a choice we took lightly. I have two beautiful children that I need to protect and love at all costs. I was willing to stay in our marriage and continue to hide behind the facade of being the perfect all American family with 2 kids, dogs and house in the suburbs but neither Chet nor I were being truthful to who we are. This stage of my life is coming to a close and I still have Chet who is my best friend navigating this voyage with me. I have put my trust in God to lead and guide me. I have an amazing group of friends and family that are always there for me. Finally, I am not looking at this like having to “start over” but rather a new chapter in my life and I am excited to see what the future holds.
Well there you have it. She is as amazing as I have always know that she was. I Love you my Lady!